sheepnanigans:

• vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:
• three-day-old coffee
• twenty piece chicken nuggets
• one (1) granola bar as a meal
• their own fingernails
• humans lying about what they eat:
• “How do pop rocks even work?”
  “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.”
  “… That can’t be real.”
• the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other
• humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed
• “C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?”
  “Are you sorry?”
  “Yes”
  “What’s the magic word, Clarence?”
  “Please?”
• vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them
• humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing
• vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:
• “I haven’t heard this song in forty years”
  “This came out in 2004″
  “It’s been forty years. I have aged.”
  “You literally have not.”
• “When was the last time you did any laundry?”
  “1965″
  “Fuck you.”
• telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy
• humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task
• vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed
• young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution
• old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses
• erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has:
• “I’m gonna show up to your wedding as a swarm of bats and shit on the cake”