Past all the casting rumors and the questions of adaptation around the upcoming Vampire Chronicles reboot (seriously the second book doesn’t have an ending and the framing device relies on the first book, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO), the thing that makes me most exhausted is thinking about all the straightsplaining that’s going to come out of the woodwork. Again.
Just thinking about all the exciting FLAVORS I could sample.
Like, you’ve got your Vanilla Queer Erasure. “Lestat and Louis were just friends raising their adopted daughter platonically!”
Your Rum Raisin Biphobia. “Lestat is clearly gay/straight, and the other people he’s expressed an interest in don’t count!”
The daring That’s Not What That Term You’re Borrowing Means But Nice Backbending Pistachio. “Well technically they’re not gay because their dicks don’t work, so really they’re all asexual!”
The heady and new Sour Grapes Whinging. “They just put in all this gay stuff to pander to the ESS JAY DUBBYAS, this is such bullshit.”
And then I realized, MY GOD, I’m only thinking of the audience! There might be so many new flavors on the crew side!
There’s your Bitter Limoncello Queerbaiting. “Oh, well we never SAID they were in love. Wow, those fans sure are taking all the deliberately candlelight looks of longing and pledges of devotion the wrong way, huh?”
The soggy cone of specifically invented hetero love interests or cisswapping for the sole purpose of making a queer love interest straight (really a bear to order, that one, but some folks just put in the extra effort). “I thought Nicola was really layered, didn’t you?”
Selective Dead Gays Mint Chip. “It was so sad when Nicki died – Lestat loved him so much! Good thing he found those conspicuously only lady love interests in the present!”
The ever popular Investor Dodge Sherbet. “We just weren’t sure audiences would invest in a story with a male/male love story, and it’s such a big blockbuster movie. MAYBE NEXT TIME.”
The above also comes in the subtler, more crafted flavor known as Conveniently Cut for Time Soft Serve.
Also if you’d like some, this salt lick is really quite delicious.
I-want-my-IWTV 