♛I think they are very real and they cause suffering for those who carry them.
Depression is a familiar emotion for me. I saw it in my Nicolas and ignored the signs, thinking I could fill the void he carried within him because he meant absolutely everything to me. He might have even led me to believe I was helping him, but when he could no longer play along, well… that was the end of us.
I’ve known depression. I wouldn’t know if it’s the “normal” amount we’re meant to experience as opposed to the deeper kind Science has discovered; more to do with brain chemistry than anything else… but mine was a sludge that seeped out to greet me whenever I returned home as a mortal boy, to a family that ignored me at best, and physically beat me on a regular basis at worst. A terrible, sinking feeling.
I felt it when I found out about Nicolas’ death.
I felt it when my mother, my only companion, disappeared one night without leaving any way to contact her again.
I felt it when I looked into my daughter’s crystal blue eyes and no longer recognized her.
I felt it when I had been essentially murdered and left for dead. More than once. Physically and psychologically broken, cocooned in a derelict old shelter, barely able to feed, embracing the dust and the moldy floorboards for months at a time. Self-imposed solitary confinement. Prisoners at least have their meals delivered to them.
The road to recovery from all those and more has not been easy. I am still drawn back down that spiral by a phantom Vaudeville hook, always hovering just off-stage for me. Being alone, well, no one can hurt you, no one can leave you. So I understand those who choose to suffer alone.
I’m doing well now. Others in the coven tease me for my materialistic ways, and yes, this is a new pair of sunglasses. It’s less about the ownership of things and more about the ease in going out and interacting with the salespeople, the moving men, the accountants. Being out there amongst people.
Being there when Louis wants to curl up on the Italian silk couch with me under a cashmere throw. The flat screen showing us so much detail that it’s as though we truly are outside in a gondola at the magic hour, when the sunlight slants in diagonally. The waters are blue.
Life, in almost any form, is worth living, as bad as it can seem. It’s worth the effort.
I-want-my-IWTV 