you know what i really want? a modern dudebro vampire. just a typical obnoxious straight boy in a neon tank top and cargo shorts who also happens to be a creature of the night.
“okay, dude, i’m only feeding on you ‘cause i’m starving and there aren’t any hot girls around. no homo.” “wait, you’re gonna suck my blood?” “no, i’m gonna drink your blood. i don’t suck, that’s gay. don’t make this weird, bro”
“ah, i see you’re staring pensively out the window, chad. ruminating on the curse of your newfound immortality?” “nah man, it’s just… i got, like, some flecks of blood on my adidas while i was feeding and they haven’t come out…”
“we do not drink… wine.” “okay but is beer cool? and can we still smoke weed?”
he joins a 24-hour gym because being undead and allergic to sunlight is no excuse for skipping leg day. tragic music swells as he looks over his “sun’s out guns out” tanks (he has seven of them). his coven is a fraternity. someone make this happen
Give new meaning to the phrase “long-term relationship” with these remaining licensed fragrances from Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive, starring the inestimable Tilda Swinton and (recent Golden Globe winner) Tom Hiddleston.
oops, I forgot to list movie, that was part of it.
1. Those wigs gotta go. They….kind of….worked for Eve, making her look like an antique doll with dusty, tangled hair; but looked like a dead animal on Adam, 10/10 horrible mess.
2. the zombie references were annoying, it seemed like such a juvenile thing for a 200 year old vampire to say, especially one that supposed to be so intellectual.
3. Ian didn’t have to melt away in the water/acid, the CGI for it wasn’t that great, and it was a bit of gore that was mostly absent from the rest of the film, and it interrupted the flow of an otherwise very consistent style.
4. I liked that vampires could be killed by drinking diseased blood, but it didn’t have to be played out, it could have just been mentioned/referenced.
5. Tom Hiddleston has the least beleivable vampire smile I’ve ever seen (I have seen a lot) and it ruined an otherwise great closing shot. I understand that we’ve been prying into their private lives the entire film, and having them come towards the camera like that at the end was almost like saying “we can only learn so much and live,” putting us in the place of their victims: we’ve witnessed it, we can’t be allowed to share this. But…ugh…maybe no fangs? Maybe less snarl? I have no idea how to fix that, but I cringe every time I see it. Tilda’s as awesome though, she makes an exceptionally convincing vampire.
bonus: Adam plays the entire No. 5 instead of just a minute of it becuase that solo….daaaaaaaamn. Also pls fuck the whole MARLOWE IS SHAKESPEARE bullshit with a chainsaw. I love this film enough that I can ignore it, but why. Why.
Send me a book/movie/tv show and I’ll tell you five thing’s I’d change/
#Perfect just perfect! For you, @annabellioncourt since u loved it so much lol…
I-want-my-IWTV 