It’s almost as if nobody wants to admit that they might not be prepared to do the work it takes to love somebody. And it can be laborious. To be intimate with someone who is flawed (which is the standard) requires us to expose our own flaws. We don’t talk about the heavy responsibility of that. We don’t talk about how we’re too lazy or too cowardly sometimes. We instead accuse love of being elusive. It isn’t. It is omnipresent. It asks us to be better people. And sometimes we flat out refuse.
Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.
[//ooc; Breaking these into two questions, will answer the second separately]
♛Strange, isn’t it, that there are different kinds of love, and that we can feel it for our friends as intensely as for our lovers? That these feelings can transform best friends into lovers, or the reverse.
*cracks knuckles*
Anon, there is so much missing information in your question! You say you’re gay, but you don’t reveal your own gender, and you don’t say what the orientation is of the object of your affection. “Gay” used to specify men, now it’s applicable to lesbians, and others, as well, are you both lesbians? Is she bisexual? One of the many other genders and orientations we have these days?
But all that aside, I don’t even know if you are over 18, or that you want a sexual relationship with this person. I certainly would not encourage sexual relationships for those under 18. Even though it’s no secret that I did my damnedest to sow more than my share of wild oats by the time I was fifteen. I was ready at that age, my lovers seemed ready as well, but times were different then. I think I was glad that anyone was interested in being tender with me, loving me in the way that they wanted to when I was at that age… perhaps I rushed into it. It felt right at the time.
So you’ve developed feelings for someone, let’s keep it to that, and you are unsure whether to pursue those feelings for something more than friendship, whatever that “something” means. What that relationship would be is defined by the people who are in it. My relationships with each of my lovers have had
similarities, but different terms, different allowances.
Best friends are family members who we choose, and want to keep in our lives. It seems that fate brings them to us just when we need them. You look over at them from across the couch and think, “How did I get to be so lucky to end up with this incredible creature by my side?!” The same can be said for lovers.
The feelings you have for your best friend may be mutual. It seems like you initiated the conversation already when you told them that you’re gay, and they haven’t changed their behavior towards you, but they may not have the same feelings for you. Is it worth risking losing the friendship over? That’s a question you have to ask yourself. No one can advise you.
If your best friend cares about you, they shouldn’t be offended if you share these feelings with them. I’ve had people approach me and tell me they wanted more than I could give, and I had to politely let them down that the feelings were not mutual, but I still wanted them in my circle. These friendships ended if they were unable to accept my No.
And not just by my choice! I’ve had long term friendships that ended with people leaving me, and cutting off all communication, if they couldn’t have what I couldn’t give them. Not everyone who you grow close to in life is meant to stay forever.
However, some of the strongest loving relationships have foundations in trusting, close friendships. Certainly Nicki and I had that. I’ll forever mourn the loss of “our conversation,” which later involved communicating in an entirely new way. There are certain… things… we did together that I’ve done with no one else since, and never will. One might say he was the first person who ever really listened to me, and wanted to share with me in return. Through getting to know each other, we were drawn closer and closer… he was the first person to be curious about and love what was inside of me, on a long-term basis. I thought I knew what was inside of him, and I loved what I found there. Intimacy followed naturally.
In contrast, Louis and I had precious little time in the beginning. He would have died if I had waited even one more night. I thought we would be immediately bonded with the Dark Gift. The shock of it and his nature was, unexpectedly, a huge obstacle for him, and those first few years, what really held us together was our lingering – and mostly restrained – desire for each other. We struggled through and became friends slowly. Then best friends. Then lovers.
We defy titles. Definitely not two halves of one whole, although I do like to refer to him publicly as “my better half” occasionally, just to tease him *smirks*
Maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make. Do you and your friend seek to draw closer to the inner core of each other? You may need to wait for a sign that they want that, too.
♛Pardon the delay in reply, anonyme. I received this on Valentine’s Day but I was very busy with… romantic activities. Not to brag about it, I’ve spent many Valentine’s nights alone, and I’m… taken aback and more touched now for the nights I’m fortunate enough to spend with a loved one, whether it’s Valentine’s or any night of the week. There’s nothing all that inherently magical about holidays, only that we make them special by honoring them together.
There are times when yes, the loneliness overtakes me. I do feel emptiness at times. Sometimes solitude is needed, just to get to know myself once again, so that I can return to my loved ones. I can’t advise you about your own loneliness because I feel that it has healing properties. And there are times when I need to be quarantined, when it’s better for everyone if we’re not together.
But I don’t let loneliness destroy me. I don’t let it take over. I can’t. I’m not built that way.
I never give up. I never despair for long. I can’t. I’m always spinning straw into gold. And this is why I survive, more than anything. I am in my unfolding stories what the world calls a comic character, rather than a tragic character, because I am never permanently undone by anything, never finished or ruined, never permanently destroyed, no matter how great are my own flaws. I always come back. Always. [X, from Fan Questions for Lestat]
Questions that I fear, chapter one. The point of the song is that we are fairly well damaged by the legacy of the romantic poets. We think of love as this thing that is accompanied by strings, and it’s a force for good, and if something bad happens, then that’s not love. And the therapeutic tradition I come from, I used to work in therapy, also says it’s not love if it feels bad. I don’t know so much about that. I don’t know that the Greeks weren’t right. I think they were: that love can eat a path through everything. That it can destroy a lot of things on the way to it’s own objective which is just it’s expression of itself. My step-father loved his family. Now, he mistreated us terribly quite often. But he loved us. Well, that, to me, is something worth commenting on in the hopes of undoing what I see as terrible damage in the way that people talk about love as this benign, comfortable force. It’s not that. It’s wild.
once upon a time young young teenage me used to write fan fiction like my life depended on it, new fics every week and I had no idea there was someone out there printing out my fics and putting them in a box to read when they needed something to cheer them up
anyways fast forward to 20 year old me on my third date with Emily and she mentions offhand that she’s got this box of fic she printed out and saved
it’s a few months later after that and she shows me one of the fics in the box and holy shit that’s my garbage fic from so long ago
anyways my point is life is a fucking trip my dude
i still remember when we found this out. i don’t think either of us stopped yelling for hours
look it’s been eight years and I’m still like LMAO I MARRIED A FAN
This is the cutest thing I’ve ever read in my whole life
♛Did he break your heart? I assume you didn’t break his and are asking about putting him out of his misery, but if you did break his heart physically beyond repair, by all means finish the job. It won’t cure him, but it will make him dead. I prefer not to extend physical suffering in my victims unless they’re truly evil and I’m really offended… or really bored that night.
It’s terrible when we trust people with our hearts and they fail us so badly. It’s happened to me. And I’ve broken hearts, too. Love is truly a battlefield, but it’s worth the fight.
Be glad he did it now rather than string you along for any longer, wasting more of your precious time. There are worse punishments than death, and ignoring him, just cutting him right out of your life, should be a living punishment for him. You’re not his plaything to break when he feels like it.
You’re free. Pick up the pieces and mend them yourself, don’t rush into having someone else take his place. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. At least, that’s how it’s been for me. I still don’t have that first part down completely, but I break all the rules, even my own…
Cure for a broken heart – what they call “self-care” these days, which is specific to each person, do whatever gives you life again, and confidence in yourself.
I wish you the best, but as you know, this could happen again. Emotionally, hearts can break and heal, over and over again, I know from experience. It’s a durable little thing! The love I’ve shared with others has been worth the heartbreak. If it’s worth it to you, don’t be afraid to put your heart out there again, when you’re ready *hugs*
“Here’s the thing a wise man once said, ‘The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference.’ And Loki is not indifferent to Thor. He hates him. And in order to hate someone, you must still, therefore, love them. So I think there is, somewhere down the line, the possibility of redemption for him, because he is just in real need of self-esteem.” – Tom Hiddleston
^I found that pic, and the quote in two different places, so I’m not sure which is correct (or, given internet sources, whether it’s Tom Hiddleston’s quote at all) but it’s a powerful statement, whoever said it.
The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference.
I-want-my-IWTV 