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musterni-illustrates:

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shitty horoscopes book ix: the body and the wreckage.

each sign rules a body part, though which part will vary depending on who you’re talking to. this volume marks a year to the inception of the shitty horoscopes series.

amrit brar (musterni), 2015

buy the zines | read them all | instagram | redbubble

Signs as Adam Rippon quotes

samstiels:

Aries – “Sometimes I might meet people and they might just not like me, not want to get to know me. And that’s okay. They’re boring as hell anyway.”

Taurus – “I’ve learned from every setback, proudly own up to my mistakes, grown from disappointments, and now I’m a glamazon bitch ready for the runway.”

Gemini – “I say I really like my slutty costumes. It’s, like, tongue in cheek. But I do, I really like my slutty costumes.”

Cancer – “The other day I was joking to one of my friends. He was like, ‘You’re kind of everywhere right now.’ I was like, ‘I know; I’m America’s sweetheart.’ He laughed in my face.”

Leo – “I can’t explain witchcraft. I just feel like I’m coming into my own. I’m confident in who I am and what I’m doing. I’m just having a great time.”

Virgo – “Nobody loves me as much as I love me; so I guess I’ll just be my own Valentine tomorrow.”

Libra – “I was recently asked in an interview what its like to be a gay athlete in sports. I said that it’s exactly like being a straight athlete. Lots of hard work but usually done with better eyebrows.”

Scorpio – "I’m like a witch and you can’t kill me. I keep coming back every year, and every year I get better.”

Sagittarius – “I’m going to go to Target, and I’m going to get a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc Oyster Bay with the twist top. Yeah. Uh-huh. Immediately. You can come right over. I live like 15 minutes from LAX and we can just have a day.“

Capricorn – “Maybe if this were my fifth Olympic Games, I’d say, ‘Oh, I wish it were like this, or like that.’ But honestly, at this point in my life, if they said, ‘Here’s your opening ceremony outfit,’ and then handed me a piece of rope and some broken sticks and a trash bag, I’d be like, ‘IT’S GORGEOUS. I’LL MAKE IT WORK.”

Aquarius – “I might not be the best, but I’m the most fun. I’m going to skate my heart out.”

Pisces – “With everything going on in the media about me this Valentine’s Day I don’t want people to get distracted and forget how beautiful I am (on the outside).”

what do you think are the vampire chronicles characters’s horoscope signs?

I’m sorry to say that I’m not knowledgeable re: horoscope signs… I can link you to a post where @luthiluthi sorted a lot of them, so check that out…

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Canonically, we have Word of God from the author re: birthdays for 3 of them:

  • Lestat’s birthday is November 7, the birthday of Anne Rice’s late husband Stan (whom she partially modeled Lestat after).
  • Louis’ birthday is October 4, which is Anne’s birthday.
  • Claudia mentions her birthday in her diary (in QOTD) as being September 21, but she’s not sure if that’s really her birthday and her dads won’t explain it further (it’s probably the day she was turned, given the context of the diary entry). That’s Michele Rice’s birthday, Anne’s late daughter.

So that means (according to astrology-zodiac-signs.com, idk if it’s authoritative):

  • Lestat’s a Scorpio – the most lusty/sexual sign, brave, passionate, stubborn, violent, jealous, secretive, resentful, manipulative ✓YEP
  • Louis is a Libra – the scales, justice, contemplative, Cooperative,diplomatic, gracious, fair-minded, social, Indecisive, avoids confrontations, will carry a grudge, self-pity ✓YEP
  • Claudia is a Virgo – a virgin, strong, practical, detail-oriented ✓YEP

There’s fanon that Armand’s birthday is Nov. 11 (@auburnandamberangel posted about it last yr, but I think it’s a fanon thing as well), and I like that it would be that close to Lestat’s on the calendar, another source of contention between them, that they’d share the same zodiac sign >;}

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[^fanart by @garama]

Armand WOULD HATE following Lestat on the calendar, like, c’mon, Lestat would throw a HUGE BALL for himself (you KNOW he would), and then like 4 days later, Armand wants to have a big party… and everyone is like… ~Meh we just HAD one~… (They all went home already)(poor Armsy ;A;) 

So Louis suggests to Lestat that he share! And have a bday party for both of them in between, on like 11/9. And Lestat is all pouty like “WHY SHOULD I SHARE WHEN MINES FIRST?? 11/9 WILL BE TOO LATE FOR MINE”

^it’s a source of contention.

Anyone is welcome to add their thoughts, tho!

Lestat is a Capricorn but there’s no information on Louis’ birthday. I always think that he’s a Cancer or Pisces. What do you think? lol

What you’re asking is not written explicitly in canon, iirc, but fandom has generally accepted the following info, maybe bc AR told us over the years? I don’t remember when we were told…

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  • Lestat’s birthday is November 7, the birthday of Anne Rice’s late husband Stan (whom she partially modeled Lestat after).
  • Louis’ birthday is October 4, which is Anne’s birthday.
  • Claudia mentions her birthday in her diary (in QOTD) as being September 21, but she’s not sure if that’s really her birthday and her dads won’t explain it further

    (it’s probably the day she was turned, given the context of the diary entry). That’s Michele Rice’s birthday, Anne’s late daughter.

So Lestat is a Scorpio and Louis is a Libra. I don’t know much about astrology, you’ll have to take it from there, anon!

The signs as horrifying/ridiculous moments in The Vampire Chronicles

Because this is needed
tw: gore; horrifying imagery.
**SOME SPOILERS AHEAD**
aries: Lestat eating Dora out on her period
taurus: Lestat getting mesmerized and lost in Walmarts
gemini: Tarquin Blackwood’s turning from drinking genital blood
cancer: Lestat describing urination for two pages
leo: LIKE 14 PAGES OF CAMEO BUTTONS
virgo: Marius ripping off Mael’s head to fix it
libra: Lestat eating Mekare’s brain through her eye socket
scorpio: LESTAT’S CLONE SON
sagittarius: Armand cutting Nicolas’ hands off
capricorn: Lestat losing an eye
aquarius: The whipping scene in The Vampire Armand
pisces: Lestat’s attempt to have sex as a human

The signs as horrifying/ridiculous moments in The Vampire Chronicles

Because this is needed
tw: gore; horrifying imagery.
**SOME SPOILERS AHEAD**
aries: Lestat eating Dora out on her period
taurus: Lestat getting mesmerized and lost in Walmarts
gemini: Tarquin Blackwood’s turning from drinking genital blood
cancer: Lestat describing urination for two pages
leo: LIKE 14 PAGES OF CAMEO BUTTONS
virgo: Marius ripping off Mael’s head to fix it
libra: Lestat eating Mekare’s brain through her eye socket
scorpio: LESTAT’S CLONE SON
sagittarius: Armand cutting Nicolas’ hands off
capricorn: Lestat losing an eye
aquarius: The whipping scene in The Vampire Armand
pisces: Lestat’s attempt to have sex as a human

The signs as vampires

Aries: Reckless™. Doesnt know how to cover up their tracks. Ends up hiring someone to do it for them. Skilled at speed walking
Taurus: turns humans into vampires out of boredom. Accidentally creates a huge clan. Ends up a leader. Nice.
Gemini: the vampire that messes with everyone just because they’re immortal. Gets in trouble lots because they can get out of it easily. The vampire who accidentally ends up well known among other vampires by doing something stupid as hell
Cancer: feels guilty all the time. Likes the perks though. Living forever is cool.
Leo: the vampire who thinks they could be part of the Avengers or some crap. Thinks they’re some kind of vampire superhero. Actually ends up being some really lonely vampire who longs for another half.
Virgo: always thinking of ways their kind can blend in with humans. Misses being human. Probably binges because they avoid eating for a long time.
Libra: the preppiest vampire ever. Who cares if we’re undead? Doesn’t mean we cant party and have a great fashion sense, am i right? Lets go become undead models in high fashion.
Scorpio: intensity increased by a million percent. Falls in love with a human. Appears like the stereotype but occasionally wishes they were human.
Sagittarius: no guilt whatsoever. Feels as if they’re the superior race so who tf gives a damn about stupid humans. Plays with their food
Capricorn: always coming up with ways to take over the world. Vampires should be in charge. Humans are so dumb and temporary.
Aquarius: uses their abilities to help people. Mostly wishes everyone was a vampire so they could all look after themselves. The vampire that was shunned from their clan for being too “human like”.
Pisces: the coolest vampire ever. Uses their abilities to have fun. Thats it. You live forever so you might has well be eternally amused.

The Zodiac Chronicles [Strengths and Weaknesses]

luthi69:

Aries : Pandora /  Independent, Courageous, Confrontational, Impatient
Santino /  Courageous, Pioneering, Aggressive, Impulsive

Taurus : Seth /  Dependable, Persistent, Self-indulgent, Possessive
Avicus / Patient, Dependable, Possessive, Stubborn

Gemini : Benji /  Energetic, Witty, Restless, Devious
Khayman /  Adjustable, Versatile, Changeable, Anxious
Rose / Imaginative, Adjustable, Anxious, Restless

Cancer :  Sybelle / Contemplative, Caring, Oversensitive, Clingy
Antoine / Creative, Emotional, Clingy, Pessimistic

Leo : Marius / Magnanimous, Confident, Domineering, Headstrong
Mael / Straightforward, Ambitious, Pretentious, Possessive

Virgo : Bianca / Observant, Helpful, Skeptical, Fussy
Maharet-Mekare / Reliable, Meticulous, Overcritical, Harsh
Fareed / Meticulous, Analytical, Skeptical, Interfering

Libra :  David / Diplomatic, Balanced, Self-indulgent, Detached
Benedict / Tactful, Idealistic, Indecisive, Unreliable
Sevraine / Just, Tactful, Detached, Indecisive

Scorpio : Armand / Passionate, Perceptive, Obsessive, Manipulative
Claudia / Focused, Ambitious, Secretive, Resentful
Eudoxia / Ambitious, Prowling, Unyielding, Secretive

Sagittarius : Lestat / Adventurous, Enthusiastic, Careless, Inconsistent

Capricorn : Gabrielle / Tenacious, Disciplined, Detached, Distrusting
Roshamandes / Practical, Disciplined, Dictatorial, Inhibited
Gregory / Cautious, Practical, Self-centered, Stubborn
Viktor / Resourceful, Tenacious, Stubborn, Conceited

Aquarius :  Daniel / Witty, Eccentric, Unpredictable, Aloof
Nicolas / Inventive, Assertive, Opinionated, Rebellious

Pisces :  Louis / Sympathetic, Sensitive, Pessimistic, Self-pitying
Jesse / Imaginative, Intuitive, Over-sensitive, Impressionable
Zenobia / Kind, Selfless, Escapist, Weak-willed