l-e-s-t-a-t:

“What I remember of that evening still produces in me a certain amount of guilt. I did drink far too much of the delicious aromatic rum. At some point, I remember lying back on my bed and looking up into the face of Merrick, who had come to sit beside me. Then Merrick leant down to kiss me and I pulled her very close, responding a little more rashly perhaps than she had expected. But she was not displeased. Now, I was a person for whom sexuality had pretty much lost its appeal. When I had been occasionally aroused, during those last twenty years of my mortal life, it was almost always by a young man. But the attraction of Merrick seemed somehow to have nothing to do with gender. I found myself overly excited and eager to consummate what had so haphazardly begun. Only as I shifted to let her lie beneath me, where I wanted her to be, did I gain some control over myself, and rise from the cot. “David,” she whispered. I heard my name echo: David, David. I couldn’t move. I saw her shadowy form there waiting for me. And for the first time I realized that the lanterns had been put out. A little light came from the nearest house, barely penetrating the fabric of the tent, and of course it was quite sufficient for me to see that she had taken off her clothes. “Damn it, I can’t do this,” I said. But in truth I was afraid that I couldn’t finish it. I was afraid that I was too old. She rose with that same suddenness which had startled me when she began to summon Honey in her little seance, and she wrapped her naked arms around me and began to kiss me in earnest, her skilled hand going directly to the root of my desire. I do believe I hesitated, but that I don’t recall. What is vivid still is that we lay together and that, though I failed myself morally, I did not fail her at all. I did not fail the two of us as a man and a woman, and there was afterwards both a drowsiness and a sense of exultation that left no room for shame.”

—

—David concerned his penis is too old for Merrick and can’t keep up

Why am I reading Merrick again

Why are u torturing yourself, no need to self-harm, are u ok? PUT THE BOOK DOWN. 

Actually, tho there is quite alot of inexplicable Louis stuff in Merrick, I was initially very WTF?! with several items in particular, but over time, sort of made peace with those events… siiiigh… should discuss at some point…

… Now that I’m thinking of it, I bet the dialogue between Louis and Merrick was similar during their major WTF?! event, I don’t remember that it was explicitly written out, but I think it would have included:

Louis p.o.v.: …the attraction of Merrick seemed somehow to have nothing to do with gender. I found myself overly excited and eager to consummate what had so haphazardly begun….What I remember of that evening still produces in me a certain amount of guilt.

Merrick: “Louis,” she whispered.

Louis p.o.v: I heard my name echo: Louis, Louis. I couldn’t move. I saw her shadowy form there waiting for me.

Louis: “Damn it, I can’t do this,” I said. But in truth I was afraid that I couldn’t finish it. I was afraid [insert Louis concerns here]…

Merrick: rose with that same suddenness which had startled me when she began to summon Honey in her little seance… and began to kiss me in earnest…

[Not gonna spoil what happens here]

Louis p.o.v.: though I failed myself morally, I did not fail her at all. I did not fail the two of us as a man and a woman, and there was afterwards both a drowsiness and a sense of exultation that left no room for shame.